It might be hard, but it pays dividends in the long run
By Nancy Plummer, Columnist, The Times
Breaking up is hard enough. The physical, financial, and emotional pain can be unbearable. Yet, what we somehow fail to talk about, and what can be one of the most awkward aspects of a breakup, is what to do about your mutual friends.
You and your ex have probably made a lot of friends together. Even if they started out as your friends, invariably they might feel as if both of you are their friends now, and are probably torn and confused about how to navigate the future of your friendships. Sadly, often times, mutual friends may be angry at you for “ruining” their social life. Also, some of your mutual friends might shun you if they blame you for the breakup or see you as a threat to their relationship. So what to do? How do you move on from your ex without having to say goodbye to all those friends?
Here are three steps to help you better navigate this uncomfortable time:
1. Make a list of the friends you want to keep. This might seem like an odd idea, but taking the time to write out who is truly supportive and why will help you sort out who you can trust to be a “real” friend. We all have socialized with people and thought of them as friends only because they were friends or relatives of our ex. In addition, as we move forward on our journey, we all have found that some friends don’t have to strength or desire to deal with awkwardness or drama and fade from the picture.
However, before you start feeling sorry for yourself, you might be surprised they didn’t make your list anyway. If they did, you should ask yourself, “why?” Try this mental exercise: are they positive, inspiring, caring, compassionate, wise, or fun? Have they always been there for you or have they just been nice because your ex was really their friend? Also, it is uncommon that your ex’s relatives will stay as friends, so do take special care when considering keeping them as friends. Lastly, don’t be surprised as you do this exercise to find that you are feeling as if you have lost quite a lot of friends; this is normal. It’s all part of the challenge and pain of divorce or any breakup.
2. Resist temptation to discuss anything about your breakup or bad mouth your ex. It certainly can be challenging to keep quiet about the details of your breakup, or take the high ground even after your friends tell you that your ex is doing the talking. However, in the long run, it is always going to make the transition easier and less traumatic. If and when you feel the need to divulge and vent, talk to a friend outside of your ex’s circle or make an appointment to speak to a professional.
3. Be sure to set clear boundaries. Unfortunately, many mutual friends will not be able to resist sharing information about your ex. In order to keep the emotional rollercoaster at a standstill, be sure to explain to your friends how much, if any, you wish them to share with you. It might be helpful for you to set boundaries with them in detail, such as you do not wish to be part of any discussions about your ex, and that you do not wish to bad mouth anyone involved. Be advised that they might not pay attention to your requests because people like gossip. If this happens, feel free to remind them of your boundaries. This is the time when you must be strong and stay true to yourself; otherwise you will find others ignoring your wishes. With time, most will respect you much more if you model grace and discretion, and thus be able to be a true friend during this difficult time.
Nancy Plummer is the President and Founder of All About Connecting – a Personal Dating, Matchmaker and Relationship Coaching service. www.allaboutconnecting.com
