The year that was in verse, for better or worse
By P.J. D’Annunzio, Staff Writer, CoatesvilleTimes.com
One year and several pounds ago you were sitting somewhere with your friends eagerly anticipating the arrival of midnight. You remembered that ushering in the New Year is a time of renewal: reshaping of the mind, body, and spirit in a monumental effort to improve yourself or your world in some way. So out of your chair you sprung, giddy on champagne announcing that this year will truly be better than the last. I’m going to lose weight, I’m going to recycle, and I’m going to stop intentionally running over squirrels, you said.
But it was to no avail. There’s an inherent problem with resolutions: they goals we set for ourselves via resolution are usually unattainable. That’s why I don’t make them. You see, if I had time to waste on broken promises, I’d be running for president in 2012.
And so, while dusting off the treadmill you probably missed some of the more noteworthy things that happened this year. But fear not chubby citizen, P.J. is here to lay it all out for you so that you’ll always remember 2011, Year of the Fail.
Though I do not claim to be a poet by any means, I believe the mediocrity of 2011 deserves an equally mediocre tribute. So here it is. I present to you…the ode.
An Ode to 2011
Manhattan, the ball dropped, thousands were there
So cold there was frost in Seacrest’s hair
So blew in the epic blizzard
Twenty-eleven, born as we quivered
America stood a nation in debt
While China demanded we pay the rent
Obama had to make some budget cuts
The government closed no ifs, ands, or buts
In the Middle East angry passions did stir
From Egypt to Libya, it was all a blur
They all rose up for the Arab Spring
Blood and regime change among other things
Packers beat Steelers but nobody cares
All the Eagles fans deserted their chairs
But later the Phils vied for the World Series
Though it seems that victory was only a theory
Oh Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac
They died from fiscal heart attacks
So did Borders declare bankruptcy
Chains closed down from sea to sea
We all made a fuss over William and Kate
But have you seen the new divorce rate?
Kim Kardashian was married for a month
Before she gave the axe to old Kris Humph
At home, stocks continued to crash
While in Europe they had problems finding cash
Tsunami, earthquakes, nukes in Japan
Osama gets capped in Pakistan
Bad guys were falling left and right
Kim Jong Il and Qaddafi, the dust they did bite
On Wall Street the ninety-niners occupied
While Over Iran our drones fell from the sky
We watched Casey Anthony beat the wrap
We all have something to say about that
But there was one man still left grinning
It was Charlie Sheen with all of his winning
Then to cancer we lost Steve Jobs
In the stores, for iPhones, people still mob
Jerry Sandusky shamed Penn State
With his behavior beyond inappropriate
The presidential race intensified
For the GOP nom, the Republicans vied
Against Obama are Newt and Mitt
But politicians are so full of hot air
Ready for a new year, surely are we
Into this new future I still cannot see
For better or worse ‘eleven is through
As for twenty-twelve, I ain’t scared of you
Have a happy and safe New Year, kids. According to the Mayans this will be our last, so party like it’s 1999…or 2012. If you need me I’ll be drinking beer on the roof, watching flaming meteors slam into things.
Rock on.
